Dave, are you reading this?

God, when are you going to update your blog? If you are reading this, it is only fair.

Cakewalk Continued

So I was telling someone in an email yesterday about my bakery idea. He is a pastry chef so he may actually be able to do something with the idea but I realized as I was typing that really if you had a bakery that only made cakes you should really call it a cakery. So this is a correction of sorts not bakery - Cakery.

A Downward Spiral?

So here is what I am worried about - If I start having some total freak out (kind of like I have been having the last few days) and I am writing down all of my crazy things here, will it really look like I am going completely looney tunes? Moreover, will it be like one of those sad documentaries where you watch a person's life fall apart over the course of a couple of years? Okay, that isn't really going to happen. I am not really falling apart, not even close, things are just stressful. I need a vacation. I need fun. I need boys.

"I want to give you everything but you know I'm not just anyone"

So I can't really stop listening to the anna waronker album, since I wrote yesterday I have probably listened to it 10 times since then. Just in case you are wondering the headings for this and yesterday's comments are the line that she was singing as I was typing. I didn't want you to think that I am so obsessed with the album that I am writing weird declarations of love to it.

Lusting for Gouache

So after a very long vacation from it, I have recently started painting again. I have always been a fan of the acrylics and it is what I have mainly painted with (minus little adventures in the world of oil and watercolor) for most of my painting life. Recently I have become completely dissatistfied with them and I desperately want some gouache paints. They are pretty inexpensive and if I wasn't in the middle of this whole house thing I would just run out and buy some. But I am in the middle of the house thing and truthfully probably won't have time to paint in the next month or so, so I will wait. lusting.

Opposing Forces

I really want to learn how to make a better cake. I have some bizarre idea that if I put some effort into it, I could be a really fabulous cake maker. As it stands right now I really can't bake anything other than cookies. I have a problem with precision and baking seems to require a lot of that. However, I do know a good cake when I taste it so I think if I just put my mind to it I could make a really kick ass cake. It is a skill I would like to develop. Of course, in my typical way, I can't just think about baking a cake - in my head I already have a bakery called Cakewalk and the slogan would be Fun Cakes for Fun People. Don't steal that, I may actually have a bakery some day...though I doubt it.

The one thing that I really need to do is get back on the whole diet kick. Which of course, doesn't really lend itself well to cake baking. I am so tired of being fat but the diet thing is so much easier said than done. I feel like I am really at this whole make or break point though with the situation. Last night I was lying in bed thinking about how I should make a death pact with myself where if I haven't finished losing weight by the end of the summer, I should just kill myself and get a do over (see how annoying it is being an insomniac?). Not that I would ever really do that (I have a dog to think about) but it really is that frustrating because it isn't like I am some sort of lazy pig. The funny thing is that I don't think that I really look that bad (maybe there is something I can't see, a hump on my back perhaps?) and if left to my own devices, while I would want to be in better shape, I wouldn't really want to be that much thinner. However, it really isn't up to me is it? I can't dress the way I want because none of the clothes that I want ever fit (I am so sick of shopping at old navy and the Gap that I could puke) and I am tired of watching all the good guys end up with vastly inferior yet skinnier girls. I figure if I talk about dieting here is it a much firmer commitment because then I have legions of (or 3) internet fans that I have to be accountable to. It isn't like i am all talk here - i have already lost 60 pounds but at this point I just wonder how long do I have to wait to reap some of the fucking benefits of dieting?

"I don't want to miss you, I just want to make you mine"

Right now I am listening to one of my favorite albums Anna by Anna Waronker. I haven't listened to it in a long time - it is the kind of album that just makes me want to shake my hair around a lot, while simultaneously making me a little sad. I wouldn't really say that it is typically the type of music that I would like (it is in that girl singer/songwriter vain) but it is fabulous and catchy as hell, none the less. Also Anna and her fabulously tall husband Steven McDonald (Redd Kross!!!) are the nicest (and probably hottest) couple in rock. They have a band together with Jeff McDonald called Ze Malibu Kids. Their album Sound It Out is on Spain's Houston Party records. If you don't have a copy, you should get one. It is, in my opinion, one of the greatest pop albums ever made.

Not surprisingly, I can't sleep

I am tired of being an insomniac. It is frustrating to be really tired and still not be able to sleep. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 6am (then was rudely awakened by the phone at 8:30), currently it is almost 2am and once again - no sleep for me. I have been lying in bed for two hours stressing out about things that I have absolutely no control over. It's not even like I am stressing about things that would be reasonable to stress about like my house purchase. No, I am thinking about completely stupid things. Mostly I have been thinking about this - I would say that I am probably 85% happy with my life right now, which is probably happier with my life than I have ever been. While presently that is a good or even great thing, I can't help but think that the percentage has no where to go but down. So then I start to wonder what parts of my life are going to fall apart . I know it sounds pessimistic, but it really isn't like that. From where I stand it just seems like good common sense to be prepared for the potential bad instead of being completely shocked when it happens. On the flip side I know it isn't good to just sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. The biggest issue is that I just want things to stay at the 85% good, but I don't really see how they can.

James Lipton and Donald Trump

Another thing that I have been thinking about a lot lately, both when I can't sleep and during the day, is what would a conversation between James Lipton (from Inside the Actor's Studio) and Donald Trump be like? They have a very similar way of making grandiose pronouncements and I think if they had to have a conversation with one another, it would be the most hilarious thing in the world. It is too late to craft a mock conversation, but I will try and do that later in the week. If you watch Inside the Actor's Studio and The Apprentice, I think you know what I am talking about. Sometimes I imagine them getting into a fist fight - Trump always wins.

Mario Batali - Update

A good friend of mine informed me yesterday that Mario Batali was on the new Iron Chef America and he was not using Chicken in a Biscuit crackers in his recipes. So I guess it isn't his shtick. How funny would it be though if a chef did use Chicken in a Biscuit on Iron Chef? That would really prove the culinary superiority of Americans.

13 going on 30

Yesterday I saw 13 going on 30 and it was a lot better than I would have expected. Though I was slightly inebriated so I may not be the best judge. The music was all off though - the 13 portion was set in 1987 and the music was all from 1983. It was a bit of a stretch but good anyway. For some reason I found Mark Ruffalo's voice extremely annoying. It makes me want to rethink my position about sleeping with him at a drive in. There is a particularly fabulous dance scene but I don't want to ruin it. Go see it.

Old habits die hard

For the longest time I was in love with this guy that I really had no business being in love with. On paper he was great - hot, good taste in music, reasonably funny, great taste in cars and had enough money that he didn't really have to work. In reality, a total disaster, I hate to use terms like this because I think they are tacky but he is actually emotionally unavailable. I have never met a more awkward closed off person in my life (though they do kind of seem to be a pattern with me). We were together for a while. Every so often, he likes to still make these cameo appearances in my life promising all kinds of stuff that I know he will never deliver on. Actually the only thing he can deliver on is not delivering. In the beginning, I just wanted to believe him so bad that I would actually buy into all of it. He would say that he was making the five hour drive to my house, I would actually even get all prettied up, then he would call a few hours later to say that he had to move a truck or clean his bathroom or something. Hmmm...this is making me sound really pitiful isn't it? I think I just wanted it to be true because he was like the last tie to a part of my life that I could never get back (though for the most part I would never want it back).

Now my feelings have totally shifted and I now see him as some form of entertainment. I know just what he wants to hear and that when I don't tell him those things he gets so annoyed, it is funny. Maybe it is really mean of me but I actually think that it is more than fair. Anyway, he just started IMing me again the other day (which I didn't really think he would ever do because I totally told him off last time this happened) and I have been having some really good fun with it. Anyway, this probably is some sort of violation of confidence but I am going to post today's conversation for the enjoyment of all. Screen names have been changed - he is L, I am J.

L: So what is going on?
J: not much, I am just updating my blog. What is new with you?
L: You have a blog?
J: yes
L: I was unaware.
J: it is a good time killer and it keeps all the west coast friends updated
L: You are a social butterfly.
J: not at all actually. I went out for coffee with my friend kate yesterday and I was lamenting the fact that I don't have enough friends in this town
J: I just want to meet some boys
J: or at least some not gay boys
L: For sex?
J: well you know dating then sex
L: Would you at least care to view me nude?
J: no thanks
L: ?
L: I am well-hung
J: can't we just be friends?
L: Of course
L: Are we not friends?
J: Well you know, the kind of friends that just talk about things other than being well hung
L: I guess so, but...
L: *boring*
J: well maybe for you, not really for me. I don't really understand why me looking at nude pictures of you is interesting

He has some naked issues, like as in he wants everyone to see him naked all the time. It is probably because he has an exceptionally large penis and it is the only thing about himself that he feels good about. If you are going to be in the LA area and are interested in a completely defective guy that is great in bed (warning: he won't make out with you), let me know and I will give you his number.

"My special gift is impossible relationships"

Not to get too Pretty Woman on everyone but I really do think that I have a special knack for impossible relationships. Mostly just falling in love with guys that will never love me back. What is weird about it though is that I can convince myself for so long that there is some sort of hope. I have to believe that I am not alone in this though, I think a lot of girls do this but when I do it, I actually rule out the option of any other guy. I can't see past these guys that I can never have. I have actually gone on dates before where I have talked about the guy that I can't have. Now, I am very smart so I do it in a way that doesn't seem like I am completely uninterested in the person sitting in front of me but I actually am. It's sad I know, but I just want what I want. I used to think that this was something that I could work on and make go away but now I just kind of accept it. Eventually one of two things always happens, either I fall out of love with the person that I can't have or what I want and what I can get collide typically with disastrous results. Though I do hold out some hope (as all people do I am sure) that one day I will actually fall in love with someone that wants me back (without the disastrous results). ...now if this really was pretty woman somebody would say "I think you have lots of special gifts".