I was so wrong

I got that job

As I predicted...

Though my mother said she sent a birthday gift, not surprisingly, one did not show up. That is so like her. She intends to buy something and put it in the mail but then something comes up and it never happens - that has been the story of my life for the last 9 years. I knew this year wouldn't be any different.

In other news, my cubicle at work smells like fake watermelon. I don't know why that would be but I am enjoying it. Well, at least I enjoy it until I get too close to my coffee cup and then the combined smell of coffee and watermelon just smells like baby vomit.

Last night, Daniel and I went grocery shopping at Whole Foods and did a really good job of controlling ourselves - the only extravagance being some sushi that we ate for dinner. Everything else was produce, including my favorite heirloom tomatoes.

I interviewed for a job that I really want. Normally I don't talk about job interviews because I am convinced that it will jinx it but since I haven't gotten any of those jobs, I guess that theory is bunk. I am qualified but I don't think I will get it, as I assume that everyone that applied was probably really qualified and I bet others have more direct experience than I do. It would be everything that I would want in a job so I am assuming it is too good to be true.

After whole foods, we watched some season 4 Mr. Show episodes on DVD and had some fun sex - Daniel smelled really good - like cinnamon - not sure why.

Things become focused through a lens

Last Saturday, I spent the day getting drunk on bloody marys in a dingy hallway over a liquor store with my nearest and dearest rollergirls. What were we doing there? You ask. There is a documentary film being made about the rollergirls and we were there to do our personal interviews. So one by one we filed into an office and spent an hour in front of a camera, while the other five were in the hallway pouring bloody marys and gossiping about boys, rollergirls and Denver in general. When each emerged from the office, there was smeared makeup and tear stains - the interviews went deeper than any of us anticipated.

Not surprisingly, the majority of my interview was spent on my injury and the alienation that I felt afterwards. All the feelings that have been so jumbled for the last 9 months became amazingly clear during that interview. Before the interview, I really just thought it would come out as one big angry mess but that wasn't what happened at all. I even managed to take personal responsibility for my own abandonment of the rollergirls after my accident. Even after I could get around and drive myself, I couldn't watch them skate - it was just too hard - it still is, really, though I deal with it better now.

I was asked if my injury had changed me in anyway, I paused and, for the first time, really thought about that. I answered that, even though I knew that there was a possibility, even high probability, that I would be injured, the injury had taken away my sense of security. Not just in regard to skating but life, in general. And that with that loss of security, went my optimism and that I wasn't sure it would ever return. After I said it, I realized that simple answer explains so much. Some people may see that change as me being depressed but it isn't that really. It is that before I injured my knees, lost my job, got diabetes and every day became a struggle to keep my head above water, I really believed that things would just work out. Now when I say it, I am just paying optimism lip service.