Much like my internet friend Evan, I am going on a fucking rant...
I think in my recent completely overwhelmed state, I have lost any ability I used to have to deal with bullshit. I just want to call the fucking spade a spade. So here is my first issue -
Why is it that if you want to speak the truth about the more negative aspects about yourself people treat you like you have some sort of self esteem problem? Then to negate it, they try and tell you that it's not true or you are full of crap or whatever, even though everyone knows it is true and they just don't want to say anything. For example -
I have the worst luck with men. Not in a normal everyday way but in a way where, despite having long term boyfriends (sadly), no one has ever been in love with me. I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that these boyfriends must have loved me on some level if they stayed with me for a long time. Not so, one needed money, the other needed attention and I was, stupidly, willing to give both. So then I ask the question "why am I so unlovable" to which some stupid friend always a) tells me not to put myself down and b) tells me that it isn't true at all....
Fuck that, don't placate me. I can live in a fantasy world just fine by myself, I don't need someone else's help. Clearly, unlovable is exactly what I am. Moreover, when I ask "why am I so unlovable" I WANT A FUCKING CONSTRUCTIVE ANSWER!!! I am trying to improve the situation for christ sake - Do I talk too loudly? Is it that I act to tough or am I just too damn fat (though that one really pisses me off because I see girls fatter than me with decent looking boyfriends all the time)? I really just want to know. So let's talk about the flip side for a second -
Ever since I was really young, I have always had these completely bizarre friendships with guys. In some ways, these tend to be more frustrating than when guys don't like me at all. Let me be clear, this aren't like just normal friendships. These are always like "let's spend all of our free time together but I don't want to sleep with you and we aren't dating". This has happened to me more times than I can count on both hands. I try and avoid them but they just seem to happen, like I have no control over it. I think it is like my subconscious is saying "something is better than nothing". Anyway, they are more frustrating because, if asked, these guys never just have the balls to say "I don't find you attractive". It is always some other completely bullshit answer. Then ,to add insult to injury, they eventually get a "serious" girlfriend and then stop speaking to me. Not only does it piss me off because I feel used (like in a surrogate girlfriend capacity, though I am more than willing to admit that I played my part) but the worst part is, it is always some freakin' girl who listens to Dave Matthews or is just so generic in a million other ways that it should make said boys want to puke. You don't know how many times I have had to listen to these guys rattle off a list of qualities that they would never want in a girl only to turn around and fall for the same thing. It can't all be that the girl is hot, can it?
Can It? Troubling.
Just in case anyone is in doubt of my self esteem. I wouldn't say that I have the highest self esteem in the world but I do think I am pretty fucking fabulous in a lot of ways. I am hilarious, smart, I have the best taste in music ever. I have great fashion sense, even though the size 14 doesn't always allow me to apply that to myself. I have pretty awesome boobs, though they aren't as perky as the fake ones and for the sake of my poor back I wish they were a bit smaller. I also have great hair...great hair.
Bottom line is that I have had it. I want to go on about a million other things not related to boys but I feel like I have been typing forever so this is where I will leave it for now.
