How much is just too much?
Things have been really hard lately. I think about updating my blog a lot but I never do because i don't really have anything nice, fun or interesting to say. It is all pretty gloomy.
I think I hit a wall yesterday. Everything officially reached a point where, I have to hope, it is not possible to go any lower. Things are really screwed up and most of it has no business being in a blog, so it won't.
What I will put in though is the straw that broke the camel's back. I was having a late lunch with a good friend (and former rollergirl) when in walks our worst nightmare. The girl who is responsible for the split of the derby leagues and, more importantly, is just an all around bad person. Since the day I met her, I have seen her do nothing but hurtful, horrible things. I am not going to dwell on it too much but this girl is the type of person that looks for problems and exploits them to make her life better or bring her attention. She is genuinely cruel and takes active pleasure in the misery of others. When all the shit with the derby leagues went down I used to have nightmares every night that I was punching her face in and yelling, "I didn't break my knees and ruin my life so that someone like you can fuck everything up." I would wake up every morning crying.
Hopefully I am painting a good enough picture. The one more thing that I will add, only because it is funny, is that when all of the rollergirl shit was going down and this girl was making demands of everyone left and right under the guise of "saving the league", when she was trying to steal it the whole time, she was thwarted at every turn. Why? because my ladies are smart and to quote the most awesome rollergirl that ever was "If you want to challenge me fine, if you want to steal the league, go ahead and try but for FUCKSAKE give me a more worthy opponent than ---------". Let's call her Roller Doll X . There are people that I like to talk about not liking for entertainment value, but those dislikes are usually pretty benign. With people like this girl, I hate them so much that all I can do is never think about them because it is physically painful for me.
So back to the story, she walks in and sits down at the table RIGHT NEXT TO OURS! Why she wouldn't have the good sense to move is beyond me but, as I said before, she takes pleasure in shit like this. We continue to eat, she ignores us, except for a few shared eyerolls and looks of disbelief between my friend and I, all is good.
That is until my friend mike's wife walks in and sits down at the same table with Roller Doll X. I didn't see her at first but there I was eating my burger when I feel someone touch my shoulder. I look up and there she is, she says "what are you doing here?". To which I responded "Uh, eating lunch?". She says nothing more and sits down at the table with Roller Doll X and we all just go back to pretending like the other isn't there. Imagine my amazement, I knew they worked together, but I honestly thought she would have better judgment than to hang out with someone like Roller Doll X. Needless to say, by this time I am reeling and all I can think about is how painfully small denver is.
It is uncomfortable so i am trying to eat faster but this is also a lunch that has been in the works for weeks and is now rapidly being ruined by circumstances beyond our control. Even in the best of circumstances it is hard to talk comfortably with people you know a foot away and this wasn't the best of circumstances.
THEN!!!! as if this all wasn't enough, Mike walks in. He sees me, barely acknowledges me - says less than his wife did and sits down at the table with them, six inches from me and says nothing else. It made me sick to my stomach. it would be like me walking in to have lunch with his ex-wife and giving him a nod of acknowledgement. The Roller Doll X thing was bad enough but to pretend like I wasn't there just made my skin crawl. This is, for all intents and purposes, supposed to be my closest friend in denver which makes me wonder.....
And this is the reason why I am writing, obviously there are differences between men and women but isn't the whole thing with friendship supposed to be that you are loyal to your friends? That you always have someone to watch your back and stick up for you. Is it really too much to expect that you would say "Hey, I really don't want to hang out with that chick because she was really shitty to one of my best friends"? But I guess, just like everything else in my life, I guess it is just the concept of "what she doesn't know, won't hurt her." This is what I am faced with at every turn lately. Who is it that I am supposed to trust when even the people closest to me have no qualms about doing something that they know would hurt the hell out of me as long as I am not going to find out? Well here is the problem with me.....I always fucking find out. I would love to not know this shit, but this is my curse.
So I am not sure what the moral of the story is? Is it that I shouldn't have any expectations of anyone else? Is it that even the people closest to me don't really care about hurting me (or if others hurt me), that everything thing else is more important?
I don't know, what the answers are to a lot of these things. Maybe I am just being stupid, maybe I just need to accept that nobody is going to worry about me but me. but I can tell you this, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be in a situation where my best friend would act like I was a virtual stranger.
